I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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