I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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