You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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