My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
