Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
