Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
