Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love having hate sex.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
im on a boat
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