I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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