Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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