It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
