see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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