i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
