How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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