Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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