I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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