she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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