I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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