haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
