There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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