when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
