Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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