I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
