My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Alive.
So much puke
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
