she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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