God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize