On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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