if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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