Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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