Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
