I'm pants shitting drunk right now
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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