i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
