you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
