I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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