if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
