so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
