dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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