He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
