Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
