I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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