I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
