A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
