Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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