i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
