He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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