got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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