I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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