My liver just broke up with me...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
