Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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