Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Randomize
