We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
