I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
