You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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